Love found me

You have reminded me I can love again and just how much love
I have to give....


Heart lost and felt so broken for so long.
Tossed like cheap token, it's all wrong.
Bledding as I stitched it back together,
Weeping as I tried to remember.
Remember how it felt before love was
my beautiful disaster.
Fucked up and torn into bloody pieces
by empty people with social diseases.

It felt empty, used up then lost to me once because I had
paid such a heavy cost to just be accepted.
But yet again I was lied to, stomped on and then rejected.
Left wondering what the fuck is wrong with me?
After she had my heart my again and held it all so gently
then just smashed it back into the ground like a shattered vase.
Then she prays and lecture's me about God's grace.
What did i ever do to be treated this way, I wanted
to die rather than live another tortured day.
But pondering if there's more inside that I could
be?

I've been ripped on, taunted and driven to rage.
But I had enough and smashed that stronghold
apart and ripped the bars off that cage.
Cant just sit there behind that wall, gotta
get out even if on broken legs I'll crawl.
They tried to take away my voice and trap
me in their sick obsession.
But God showed me I had a choice that I
was His and not some cult posession.


Although my heart felt like it had died by a
strangling rope, I somehow crawled forth through
the ashes and found real hope.

See my heart?
There's barb's, thorns and rusty nails,
but somehow love cuts through the scorn
and it prevails.

And I could've just screamed in pain and frustration
'cause of all the women lying saying they have compassion.
They never bothered to mention it was conditional.
How can you have someone share with you when he's vulnerable
and then turn two faced based on what was confidential?

Shit, I was ready to give up. I believe in love but my heart
had wounded wings like a hurting dove. But then I met you and
you quickly became a close friend and told me you'd be there 'til
the end.

Get so sweaty, heart gets so heavy but I know that you are steady
and have shown me so much love already. And I'm not running scared now.
I know I'm not choking now and your not joking now. When you
say you'll be there I can let go without a care.

And it doesn't matter if my heart still has stitches, 'cause I
know I can trust you unlike all those bitches.
I just know that were part of something much bigger than us.
In the end it comes down to the equation that love is the highest vibration

And you can call me baby and I can call you my lady

I'm gone away

Time for somethin' in my own words....a confession..

Can't find the right to say to you today as i try to get this across,
I mean the weight of my regret, that can only come from losing all
that you held close to you. To write someones name upon your
heart and soul.
Then hurt them when you lose all control. The same one that was your
heart and you tried to be their whole world.
'Cause you wanted to give them everything when all they wanted
was you. When you wanna be there to sing them a bedtime song,
but fate tears you apart and it all goes wrong.
When you stand in the kitchen that fateful day and hear:
"Daddy look at my new outfit." as you hold back your tears
and you pray she didn't hear you screaming at her mother
the night before....
then next thing you know you're packing, goin' out the door...
Find your bags on her sidewalk,
there's no way for us now to talk.
There's no hiding when there's all your crap before them, in the
light it's all too plain. To look into her blue little eyes but feel it's all in vain.
So you hope they don't feel your pain, that it won't engulf them like it
did their mother, this pain hurt us all like a compound fracture.

'Cause you wanna do the right thing at the wrong time but karma kicks
you from behind. Then you wanna lose your mind.
So what happens when you feel that you deserve the pain? That maybe
you should take the blame?
When all you can do is remember all the times you said: "I'm too
busy, go play outside."
Now so much pain I just can't abide.
Never meant to make her mother cry or do anything to hurt her.

Try to recognize myself through this nightmare haze.
Couldn't see myself as I looked down in disbelief, that I couldn't
imagine them drowning in this wanton grief.
Like the day i was thrown out on the street, enough to make my
heart skip a beat.

Couldn't sleep so taking more pills trying to get my thrills.
'Cause at night she'd come to me saying:"Daddy, when are you comin'
back for me? You said you weren't leavin', were you lyin?"
Before I could I could answer she said:"Don't you see, can't you hear
me still cryin'?"

Then she wept and turned to leave so I said:"No I'm sorry, baby just wait!"
She said:"No you made your choice, it's all too late."




Just hoped for one more chance to do it right, but with love fading came the endless night..
there was no turning back.....far beyond gone...

Faded heart, frigid ground

When for better or worse goes ugly will you still be there?
Because I see you have brought about every last fear.

That hath displaced your arms that were my shelter in
this storm. No place near that's inviting and warm.

Wonder if I can trust you with me,
'cause if there's a way for us now I cannot see.

As reflected in the cracked mirror of my broken heart.
Smote to ruin by harsh words fiery dart.

My door is locked because my faith is lost in you.
I am torn and run right through.

I feel split right to the core when I remembered
knocking on your door.

Just like fear that cuts your tongue and my will is undone.

Because there is no place of belonging,

I see myself all alone, someday thriving.

As I lay awake at night, you fade from my

memories sight. Loves warmth turned to a frigid night. 

Your cold heart has frozen me still,

there is naught left in cold icy chill.

As a light in your eyes that never warms.

Just as I can't reach you through the  wastes of my regret's.
These taunting hurts so easily beset.

Bitter winds of chafing regret blowing

in that place. 

Now I see this aching embrace

known in the crux of personal crisis

and felt in the chill of grief that leaves 

me breathless. 

As cupid dies and love gone away as a 

mangy stray, heart crumbled as fragile clay.

Yes the light that never warms.

Scattered ashes as pale Octobers moon

fading into black its all gone astray. Light is leading me into new day.

Falling from grace?

Dearly beloved, I'm scattered here today to be left behind by you.
Gone to pieces and borne upon the wind.

I'm seething, I"m bleeding gaping holes in me only serve to expose your deception.
You that cut me with sharpened tongues, to tear me up when I fell down.

Gouging, fallin' scraping myself on the hard earth of your blackened spite.
Stumbling, caught up in this nigh endless night.

I'm left seething, I'm hating.
Yet the same thing I've always seen from you: Do as I say not as I do!

Coerced, pushed me into whats right or wrong,
Lured in while you trapped my heart and silenced its song.

Hidden 'neath the wings of your darkening decay
Lest I find freedom now and go all astray?

So try to keep me in your frigid shelter, but cannot keep me
blind to such blatant crimes you transpired.

I'm wearied, all ragged and in your lies I'm mired while
you tear out anything inspired.

I've tithed my last dime.
So Mister Dictator, taskmaster. may I sit in your pew?
Only to be seen but not heard, keep out everything aspired.

Blind, silenced by this matrix you've devised. To be tossed down rabbit hole
and hit rock bottom. So shocked at the world I see, 'cause all that you lied about
will yet come to be.

I"m fucking outcrying, outraging. Grow back my wings that you clipped so early in
my life. So take back your shallow ways, this shadow of your unyielding
strife!
Try to grasp my unnamed emotion of pain, you are revealed as so
unfeeling.
'Cause you cant hear these silent screams of my heart with
the blood of my soul on your hands.
You can take back all your pointless demands.

Like i crossed your unspoken line, so you wanted to
snap my spine?

'Cause you can't decide what I express, over control
you bitterly obsess.

My God, whats this coming to?

I see those demons on this cursed, dead end street.
And you weren't there when I went through my personal hell,
there's broken pieces of my jaded mind all around your feet.

Where these horrors smashed this world of waste and dripped it down
my throat again, just to numb my senses.
Broken religion spinning in my head.
Chained to this wheel of cursing 'til I'm dead?

At the place where you claimed the grass was greener, but now it
withers and dies into blackening decay.
And all I witness is sickening dismay.

So my God, whats this shit coming to?

Dearly beloved I once trusted you but I'm shocked at
the world that I see. Yet you cannot rescue me.

Angst is deepening, hurt all so aching.
To see it's me you've blindsided. Of all your cunning
I'm now reminded. Won't live in this secret hell you always
knew, can't let you crush my innermost virtue.

Lover and then fellow believer. Now lying deceiver, can't see nothing,
nor hear nothing.
Every time I'm afraid you'd disapprove, so make your final move.

Resent how much I think for me, 'cause time has left you unable to see.
Can't find a way through 'cause time has frozen whats left of you.
There is nothing left for us anywhere, so I now renew.



Look..at...my..self..in crimson haze..
Under the cross...in purest light...
Fresh revelation...no hate left now....
I hide in shadows only to find solace in new grace, where you said not to go.
Like a new salvation.

You took away tomorrow, but here I am free of this sorrow.

Grass is greener, but now it dies.......

Season of decline

Now these dreams have faded, all gone astray. Now I fall so fast as a castaway.

Cant be lost if you have nowhere to go.

Like wretched pain inside, feel it growing. Tainted misery now suffocating.

Cant see us together now growing old.

Warmth hath left your kiss, how come its grown so cold?

Here lies jagged root so overwhelming.

This failing love, outside its gold. Inside so worthless, your words once pure now so hard and careless.

Now you say I'm done and were through. I can no longer see or understand you.

Maybe I should just leave, could just be gone. I cant feel my way to you when its become so wrong.

Find no solace with you, no relief, no reprieve. Find this betraying game and only grief left to believe.

Try to stop this frantic bleeding now. But letting go of me to unplug this somehow.

Gone burning like a bad karma amputee.

I used to lie safe in your arms but cannot stand it anymore.

Now dragged down to my knees I cry wretched on this cold hard floor.

So I cannot fly, cannot soar. Chained I am cannot touch freedoms sky.

Swallow this evil, on bad seeds I choke. Bring the final devastating stroke.

Confuse,dismantle and complicate. Ostracize, belittle and decimate.

Lamentation of silent suffering.....

See this soft memory of nigh forgotten pain written forever upon the ghost of my childhood, somehow comes so clearly into focus for me now.
From a close circle of family we find common belonging, but why this writhing discontent that seems to carry such dreaded weight?
Remembrance of what we lost in years gone by, simple pleasures we shared together, scattered upon the rocks of bittersweet tension.
Blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. How this nail deepens upon the flesh of my soul to see you in bleeding distress.
Like i can feel you twisting on a tourniquet of regret, feeling too much loss and empty time gone by. Longing to regain all that was stolen from you.

I wish i could eat this black cancer of past that holds you down, like this collective hurt we all share, to heal the wounds of yesterday.
To be the hurt, the pain, the agony for you beloved, to bleed open for you, if only that would set you free.
So i see the burning pages turn to grey ashes as my past dies to me, the dreams that have died so i can birth new ones within my soul.
This cathartic cleansing i want to share with all of you, for us to be whole once again. To find all that we lost, i still hope for that.

To see joy return unto you, to see this thieving misery wither and die.
To see its hold over you decay and turn to dust, to give birth to a new dream within your soul, a dream of love, not of pain.
Dreams that can lead you to the gates of eternity,

Trust in what God wants to give you; dreams of a better place beloved, where every tear will  be wiped from our eyes and we will never thirst again.
Where nothing can stifle your voice, where our collective hurt is a distant memory and where families are at last whole again.

This aching cold

The autumn leaves have fallen and faded under withering snow. Just as loves warmth can sometimes
become frigid and my heart hath become scattered as dead leaves upon gusting wind.
'Tis the season of this loves decline, something i have long foreseen, yet not wished for.
So unbearable these empty words have become.
Words of promise, and praise that cannot bear the weight of your contempt. I cannot recall all thats
been lost to the devouring pain as desire is torn asunder from us.
All the cold of your empty words hath bled the the warmth from my heart.

Love has ended in ashes of impermanence.
But there is no sadness left for me, ive run out of tears for you. Finding a renewing freedom in sweet
abandon.
Theres too much hardness in your touch i remember, while tender things lay shriveled. softness for
you has left my gaze and my hands.