I'm gone away

Time for somethin' in my own words....a confession..

Can't find the right to say to you today as i try to get this across,
I mean the weight of my regret, that can only come from losing all
that you held close to you. To write someones name upon your
heart and soul.
Then hurt them when you lose all control. The same one that was your
heart and you tried to be their whole world.
'Cause you wanted to give them everything when all they wanted
was you. When you wanna be there to sing them a bedtime song,
but fate tears you apart and it all goes wrong.
When you stand in the kitchen that fateful day and hear:
"Daddy look at my new outfit." as you hold back your tears
and you pray she didn't hear you screaming at her mother
the night before....
then next thing you know you're packing, goin' out the door...
Find your bags on her sidewalk,
there's no way for us now to talk.
There's no hiding when there's all your crap before them, in the
light it's all too plain. To look into her blue little eyes but feel it's all in vain.
So you hope they don't feel your pain, that it won't engulf them like it
did their mother, this pain hurt us all like a compound fracture.

'Cause you wanna do the right thing at the wrong time but karma kicks
you from behind. Then you wanna lose your mind.
So what happens when you feel that you deserve the pain? That maybe
you should take the blame?
When all you can do is remember all the times you said: "I'm too
busy, go play outside."
Now so much pain I just can't abide.
Never meant to make her mother cry or do anything to hurt her.

Try to recognize myself through this nightmare haze.
Couldn't see myself as I looked down in disbelief, that I couldn't
imagine them drowning in this wanton grief.
Like the day i was thrown out on the street, enough to make my
heart skip a beat.

Couldn't sleep so taking more pills trying to get my thrills.
'Cause at night she'd come to me saying:"Daddy, when are you comin'
back for me? You said you weren't leavin', were you lyin?"
Before I could I could answer she said:"Don't you see, can't you hear
me still cryin'?"

Then she wept and turned to leave so I said:"No I'm sorry, baby just wait!"
She said:"No you made your choice, it's all too late."




Just hoped for one more chance to do it right, but with love fading came the endless night..
there was no turning back.....far beyond gone...

Faded heart, frigid ground

When for better or worse goes ugly will you still be there?
Because I see you have brought about every last fear.

That hath displaced your arms that were my shelter in
this storm. No place near that's inviting and warm.

Wonder if I can trust you with me,
'cause if there's a way for us now I cannot see.

As reflected in the cracked mirror of my broken heart.
Smote to ruin by harsh words fiery dart.

My door is locked because my faith is lost in you.
I am torn and run right through.

I feel split right to the core when I remembered
knocking on your door.

Just like fear that cuts your tongue and my will is undone.

Because there is no place of belonging,

I see myself all alone, someday thriving.

As I lay awake at night, you fade from my

memories sight. Loves warmth turned to a frigid night. 

Your cold heart has frozen me still,

there is naught left in cold icy chill.

As a light in your eyes that never warms.

Just as I can't reach you through the  wastes of my regret's.
These taunting hurts so easily beset.

Bitter winds of chafing regret blowing

in that place. 

Now I see this aching embrace

known in the crux of personal crisis

and felt in the chill of grief that leaves 

me breathless. 

As cupid dies and love gone away as a 

mangy stray, heart crumbled as fragile clay.

Yes the light that never warms.

Scattered ashes as pale Octobers moon

fading into black its all gone astray. Light is leading me into new day.

Falling from grace?

Dearly beloved, I'm scattered here today to be left behind by you.
Gone to pieces and borne upon the wind.

I'm seething, I"m bleeding gaping holes in me only serve to expose your deception.
You that cut me with sharpened tongues, to tear me up when I fell down.

Gouging, fallin' scraping myself on the hard earth of your blackened spite.
Stumbling, caught up in this nigh endless night.

I'm left seething, I'm hating.
Yet the same thing I've always seen from you: Do as I say not as I do!

Coerced, pushed me into whats right or wrong,
Lured in while you trapped my heart and silenced its song.

Hidden 'neath the wings of your darkening decay
Lest I find freedom now and go all astray?

So try to keep me in your frigid shelter, but cannot keep me
blind to such blatant crimes you transpired.

I'm wearied, all ragged and in your lies I'm mired while
you tear out anything inspired.

I've tithed my last dime.
So Mister Dictator, taskmaster. may I sit in your pew?
Only to be seen but not heard, keep out everything aspired.

Blind, silenced by this matrix you've devised. To be tossed down rabbit hole
and hit rock bottom. So shocked at the world I see, 'cause all that you lied about
will yet come to be.

I"m fucking outcrying, outraging. Grow back my wings that you clipped so early in
my life. So take back your shallow ways, this shadow of your unyielding
strife!
Try to grasp my unnamed emotion of pain, you are revealed as so
unfeeling.
'Cause you cant hear these silent screams of my heart with
the blood of my soul on your hands.
You can take back all your pointless demands.

Like i crossed your unspoken line, so you wanted to
snap my spine?

'Cause you can't decide what I express, over control
you bitterly obsess.

My God, whats this coming to?

I see those demons on this cursed, dead end street.
And you weren't there when I went through my personal hell,
there's broken pieces of my jaded mind all around your feet.

Where these horrors smashed this world of waste and dripped it down
my throat again, just to numb my senses.
Broken religion spinning in my head.
Chained to this wheel of cursing 'til I'm dead?

At the place where you claimed the grass was greener, but now it
withers and dies into blackening decay.
And all I witness is sickening dismay.

So my God, whats this shit coming to?

Dearly beloved I once trusted you but I'm shocked at
the world that I see. Yet you cannot rescue me.

Angst is deepening, hurt all so aching.
To see it's me you've blindsided. Of all your cunning
I'm now reminded. Won't live in this secret hell you always
knew, can't let you crush my innermost virtue.

Lover and then fellow believer. Now lying deceiver, can't see nothing,
nor hear nothing.
Every time I'm afraid you'd disapprove, so make your final move.

Resent how much I think for me, 'cause time has left you unable to see.
Can't find a way through 'cause time has frozen whats left of you.
There is nothing left for us anywhere, so I now renew.



Look..at...my..self..in crimson haze..
Under the cross...in purest light...
Fresh revelation...no hate left now....
I hide in shadows only to find solace in new grace, where you said not to go.
Like a new salvation.

You took away tomorrow, but here I am free of this sorrow.

Grass is greener, but now it dies.......